October 2009
5 posts
this made me laugh, it's a reader quote from a...
“I heard that they put a pig heart in this guy, he didnt live, but its just cool that we are trying new things”
according to yahoo, you can judge how great a guy...
sucks to be an orphan with Tourette’s Syndrome who’s allergic to dog hair.
Dear Republican Friends,
Please stop emailing me poorly distorted email chains concerning the idiocy of Barack Hussein Obama, as I will hit ‘Reply All’ and start the ‘Northern War Of Email Spam Aggression’ on yo ass.
—-
Ahem. Here’s a letter:
We are not friends because of politics. This isn’t because I’m not Republican, as I don’t have any friends of mine based...
sorry for the radio silence
Buuuuuuut I just finished my manuscript and submitted it to the publisher.
the best thing about an apartment with no heat
is the cuddling.
September 2009
23 posts
6 reasons that job didn't call me back
(One of these is true and it’s not the one you’re thinking)
1. I sent them my clown resume
2. My cover letter was Sublime’s “Scarlet Begonias”
3. My references all had the same phone number as my header
4. Through an odd combination of intoxication and a poor connection from stealing my neighbor’s Internets I accidentally sent them a poem called “XGF” about my ex girlfriend from...
date: we watched a photo shoot in washington...
and then she sat on my lap and we made out and some NYU kids next to us lit up a J
according to glamour a "keeper" guy offers the...
what glamour doesn’t know is that boys are afraid of poisoned steak
the only embarrassing thing about boxing at the...
is when you practice your elbow jab and kinda miss but also hit the bag’s seam so a part of your elbow flesh is left dangling on the bag and you’re bleeding everywhere and can’t remove your flesh from the bag because you’re wearing gloves and people are laughing.
watching brown sugar boiling on bacon as it cooks...
and by awesome i mean ‘porn for your taste buds’ awesome
due to happy hour, i won't be in the pole dancing...
I will, however, show up 10 minutes late and with a sandwich.
6ft tall strawberry blondes that ask me out are...
especially since she saw my double ikea bed last weekend which is like the antithesis of impressive but evidence she probably likes cuddling
the worst thing about coffee
is that you go from being tired and unproductive to being completely aware of just how unproductive you are
you = girl
sometimes boys are only sorry because you look good in jeans.
sesame bagels are no substitute for everything...
and when toasted taste like that popcorn with powdered cheese wtf.
me and my big stick
walking through queens and brooklyn, shitfaced at 3am, carrying a 12 ft stick and laughing is the best way to ensure you won’t get jumped.
brooklyn book fair/fare...
words are a currency that never loses value… unless they’re in all CAPS… or misspelled… or made up… or have bad grammar… the exception being, of course, lolcats… can i haz chzburger? shit.
the worst thing about saturday
is that i can feel sunday’s hangover tapping me on the shoulder.
paranoia
some days it’s like i sneeze once and spend all day waiting.
get well soon
sometimes you got to put down that cappuccino and hold an old lady’s hand and say a prayer for her husband Jules in the hospital now for 2 years.
make up post the first
the only thing better than receiving a case of beer at work is receiving a bottle of scotch.
labor day
I walked around New York, went swimming in a public pool, had mozzarella-stuffed hamburgers with a bunch of Texans, and threw a dominatrix out of my apartment.
eh?
In 1882, America stole the idea of having a Labor Day from Canada, thus beginning a tradition of us taking good ideas from other people and making them our own.
even with Monday off
Sunday still feels like Sunday.
the worst thing about doing a poetry reading
is that you’ve already made out with the people you know in the audience.
coffee goes straight to my feet
like reggae music.
people would spell better
if it was called ‘Hangmom.’
the best thing about making out
are the people waiting in line for the bathroom, knocking on the door, saying, ‘We know you’re in there and we really have to pee.”
August 2009
27 posts
you don't move up in brooklyn
you move west.
Life was so much simpler
back when I liked Tang.
they say true friends stab you in the front
but your best friends are the people you’d pick for your zombie apocalypse survival team.
a happy thought for your weekend
Somewhere out there someone’s playing Air Guitar Hero.
sometimes i say things that sound cute but are...
I *mwah* what I want!
3 Sentences from my vacation to make up for time...
On flying: I can understand your child being sick on an airplane but not the clear, 3 gallon Ziploc bag you carry with you to catch his ick.
On family: Nieces and nephews are lovely and promote abstinence.
On shopping: Plaid is the new plaid.
i edited the anger out
There are professional taxidermists that make $$$ taking pictures of cutely posed, stuffed kittens.
The average speed of a laden swallow is nerd.
add this to your 'reasons to be depressed' list
There will never be another Empire Records, never another Mallrats, and God Help Us there’s a chance producers might still churn out sequals.
i'm really not this jaded
True love is like ironing a shirt: you wear it out, it wrinkles, you iron all the wrinkles out, you wear it out, it wrinkles, you iron all the wrinkles out, you wear it out, it wrinkles, your friends ask why the eff you’ve been wearing the same shirt for three days, you iron the wrinkles out, you wear the shirt out, the shirt complains that you never do anything new but doesn’t offer...
Doing laundry on a date is a great way to subtley show off your sexy spider man boxers.
When she says ‘I think I want to become vegan’ what she really means is ‘I don’t think I love you anymore.’
Friendship is: having a friend visit from out of town who accidentally locks you out of your apartment for hours on a hot summer day so he makes it up to you by doing all your dishes and making you a candle in a tomato can and will never know you stole all his bud because the asshole was passed out drunk which is why he couldn’t hear you ringing the G-D bell a million times and then you throw him...
another true story
Sometimes relationships are like cavities you’ve named Melissa that you don’t want to get rid of because you’re lonely even though they cause you pain until one day they break apart and you ultimately have to pay a professional to remove all the pieces.
first lie of the weekend
Every Friday after work I say to myself, ‘I will not stumble into a subway as NYC dawns this weekend.’
Quitting smoking causes physical pain and I highly recommend it.
true story
I did ‘Bloody Mary’ and (edit: after nothing happened and I turned the lights back on) the lights turned off ON THEIR OWN.
potential emo lyrics
My friends want me be in a relationship so I don’t inflict myself on the world—but I think I’ll stay single so I don’t inflict myself on a girl.
It turns out the “construction work” sounds coming from the apartment across the hall was a burglary.
I shaved my head into a mohawk what what
There is not a suitable term (like “cock block”) for when you’re lesbian friend says she might call you to scare her date away.
The best thing about eating mozzarella sticks and yam fries is that you’re really, really stoned.